I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. I didn’t know it, but even in childhood I can look back and see things that were clearly anxious behaviors. I recall an episode in my bedroom at age 6 where I sat cross-legged on my neatly-made bed, folded my hands in my lap and recited, “I will be perfect.” My great desire was to save the world…not knowing that the world already had a Saviour, this is quite the lofty goal for a young child. But other people’s pain has burdened me intensely for as long as I can remember.
Fast forward 44 years and I am coping with my own multi-faceted intensely personal pain and I honestly feel like God is just not showing up. I know the feeling of depression silently creeping up behind me and rapping me over the head with a nerf foam baseball bat–enough to do damage but not take me out. Another vivid description I use often likens my angst to drowning. I just can’t keep afloat and no one sees me.
My latest episode began over the summer with a family problem that I just couldn’t seem to resolve. I don’t actually remember praying much about this problem–just being whiny and at times stunned with my new reality. An unsuspecting casual acquaintance asked about how I was doing one day and I vomited all my anger and frustration over her kind soul. And somehow what should have been helpful and uplifting to me slowly and painfully evolved into idolatry. A bold friend, who is very much like me, eventually told me I needed to end the relationship. That was two days ago. So this is very fresh and very real. I probably won’t post this for a month or so–this post is honestly being used to process what has happened. I may never post it.
I wish I could say this was the first time I have become obsessed with someone who “sees me in my pain”. But it’s happened before–once or twice to my recollection. Happily one of the relationships is still intact and doing much better than when it was at the apex of my idolatry. When I feel invisible to those who love me best, I go looking for other help. Someone to understand. Maybe a life preserver of sorts. And I imagine all kind of scenarios with my human “savior”… things that were said and wondering if they were the right thing to say; things that could be said in the future, things that I imagine us discussing–kind of like an imaginary friend based on a real-life person. And slowly, everyone else, loses their appeal. My trust issues definitely exascerbate this problem. It is so hard for me to feel true connection with most people that when I find someone I become clingy–even in very subtle ways they may not be aware of or perhaps they are nagging doubts that don’t solidify until it is out of control.
This particular woman had her own personal tragedy and her pain and mine intersected so powerfully that it nearly knocked me over and drove me into panic and intense anxiety. I felt certain I was called to help her carry this burden but seeing the pain in her eyes that she wouldn’t talk about, drove me to anxiety. I worked through it…. Days and weeks slipped by and we kept getting closer and closer, both of us needy but she, being the perceived “stronger’ person (though she may well have been stronger),and me devising ways to increase the closeness–to substitute for a God with whom I was disillusioned and angry. Ironically, it was genuinely the Jesus in this woman that pulled me to her. She had a very calming effect on my anxiety, which of course was appealing and I would alternately pull her close and confide things to her and then feel regret and push her away hard. She was very patient and showered unconditional love over me. Prayed for my family endlessly…which all should have been wonderfully encouraging…and it was.
Until it wasn’t. Until it became what I lived for. Until a day being good or bad depended upon my communication with her. Until she was literally all I could think about because I saw her as my survival out of this pain. I began to fashion a new life for myself and push those who are closest to me away because they didn’t fit into my new picture. The new career-minded, self-confident, independent me. It went on and on and on…drawn away from Him by the lust of the flesh. You can almost hear the crescendo… and then, slowly, almost imperceptibly, the Lord saying, “That’s enough.” And He gently began drawing me back in…tugging at my heart.
Oh I realized prior to all this that things were going awry but felt powerless to stop them… I prayed for the mind of Christ…but felt He was silent. So I kept pursuing her. Her, not Him. And He let me. When we went out of town to visit our best friends, a long road trip was an opportune time to flood my soul with song lyrics and sermons talking about idolatry. But I couldn’t get her out of my mind. It took weeks for it to penetrate but when it did guilt and shame again cloaked me as they had before. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I get it together? I wanted to love Jesus, why did I just keep failing?
My husband cannot for the life of him understand what I see in her. I cannot explain it–she was kind when I needed it most. Saved my life in a very real way. He’s not impressed. Or he doesn’t see it..He wants me to distract myself with anything else–not to dwell on her. And I see his point but it’s way easier said that done. If it were a thing–maybe it would be easier but we build feelings for people. It’s not like she used me or wasn’t genuine or really trying to do the best she could and I feel a very deep connection with her. Sometimes I think that is her mode–to connect with people. My husband thinks she operates out of her weakness because she has so many disabilities and I do see what he means. She makes it her goal to connect with who she is talking too and sometimes maybe she stretches things because I have caught the nuance of a few inconsistencies in things she has said to me from time to time.
So when I sent the text telling her we weren’t coming back, which was right after the unanswered text about me being a personal assistant (an attempt to get even closer and make myself indispensible to her) she called me immediately. She was understandably “reeling” in her words. Not anger–confusion, undoubtedly. Like what the heck just happened here? I don’t blame her but I do wish she had waited just a bit and let me get my bearings. As it happened, I was a hysterical mess who just kept insisting that I had to leave because she was going to hurt me. Hadn’t yet but I knew she would. Would abandon me like all those other people who had left. And I’m sure she chalked it up to anxiety and out of sheer exhaustion (she reportedly works 90 hours a week–which my husband says is a big red flag) said, “Maybe it would be better this way.” And I was hurt.
Two days later I told her the truth. The last conversation we ever had was very prophetic. I asked her genuinely how she got idols out of her life. I knew. At that moment I knew she was the very idol I was asking about. But I couldn’t confess it to her. And I didn’t know about the phone conversation I would have with my best friend where she strongly advised me to GET OUT of this relationship…it all happened so fast. Her answer, was not well thought out–it almost indicated maybe she hadn’t struggled with idols all that much… but prophetic. “God will simply pluck them out of your life!” I expressed disappointment with that answer, she apologized and the phone rang. Conversation over. Relationship over.
Though I wouldn’t know it for two days.
So here I am. Hurt beyond measure. Questioning what I’ve done. Deep down I know it was the right thing. You can’t reign in idolatry, to my knowledge. She says she’ll pray for me. She probably will. I did text her a couple days afterward –I felt I owed her the truth—-I confessed that she was the idol I had spoken of in our last conversation. Maybe she suspected, maybe she didn’t. I asked her to give me time and space to repent and heal and then contact me as she feels led. I will likely never hear from her again which makes me sad. But I h I have left the door as open as I can for a future divine appointment. I’m trying to want what He wants and if doesn’t want us to reconnect to be satisfied that I’ll see her one day in Heaven… where the relationship we have will glorify God.
In the meantime, I want to immerse myself in the
Decidedly Different 