The old saying, “Time heals all wounds” is meant to be encouraging but sometimes it can feel like a very long time before our hurts can be viewed through different lenses. In part one of this post, I talked about a new kind of grief which encapsulates our feelings of loss in relationship with a person who is still living–either they are alive but not themselves, or perhaps, like my father-in-law, they have had a stroke and are alive but can’t communicate. He’s in there, but everything he says to us sounds like “No.” Or it could be the loss of something else such as a close friendship, our health, or a physical location we’ve had to leave. Today I want to focus on processing and moving past the acknowledging of our grief.
It is such a healthy first step to acknowledge our emotions, give them a name and give them to our Heavenly Father, our Abba, who cares deeply for us. He holds all our tears in a bottle. He is not indifferent to our pain. Secondly, we must have reasonable expectations of our grief. Grief looks different on everyone. You may stifle the urge to call your child every day or visit your parent’s bedside excessively; these things may be appropriate but you will definitely need another outlet! Journaling is a great way to express all those pent-up emotions but if wielding the might pen is not your style do not despair...there are no shortage of outlets for our grief…baking, exercising, gardening, tinkering in the garage or whatever suits your fancy…be kind to yourself. Indulge in your favorite things. Get more sleep. Eat well. And let the house go a bit if you need to… windows can wait, dusting under furniture or deep spring cleanings can wait. However it is good to have a minimum acceptable list of chores to aid in moving through grief. Such lists should include non-negotiables and are essential to your overall well being. Things like showering, dishes, clean clothes and a bed that gets made every day. Routine can sooth rumpled nerves and lend a sense of predictable comfort while our emotions are running amok.
After you tackle these basics, seek out growth opportunities. Join a group of people with a shared common interest…I know all too well this is hard for introverts. But I am speaking from experience. I actually joined a community of women of faith who share my trait of high sensitivity and then shockingly, joined a small focus group within that large group. We encourage each other in whatever we are pursuing such as blogging, creating, speaking, writing books. I joined with fear and trepidation but it has been so good for me. And it has taken all of two months for me to see just how good it’s been so don’t expect overnight results.
My last suggestion can sound like nothing more than a pesky platitude but sometimes hard truths can be contained in these well-worn words. So here it is: Practice gratefulness. Yep. There it is. I said it. It’s hard. Some days I just can’t do anything but be grateful for toothpaste and that my teenage child has never had to wonder where his next meal is coming from. But I try. I need to write my gratitude down. Right now it’s jumbled all up in my head. I’m always grateful for family. Grateful my daughter lives with her best friend so she’s not alone in the PNW. Grateful I had those years with my turtles. Grateful I have had a wonderful, supportive husband since my own tender years. Grateful my preemie grandchild is out of the hospital and thriving.
God says there is a time for everything. He does not fault us for mourning. But we can’t park in our pain. As Ecclesiastes 3 tell us: “there is a time to be born and a time to die. A time to laugh and a time to cry.” He understands. He knows loss. He left a beautiful paradise to come rescue us, and in the process incur the wrath of the holy Father who loved us so much that He brought heaven down to us when we couldn’t attain it through our own obedience...He knows us. In order to dislodge ourselves (aka “getting unstuck”) we need to acknowledge our grief but we can’t stay there. We can try to cover up our feelings but He sees right through us anyhow. Why not get it out in the open and ask Him for help to be grateful in our day-to-day pain. Keeping our focus on Him, ask Him for opportunities to use our discomfort as a catalyst to bless others when we feel His gentle nudge.
What if we took those belligerent blues and reached out to other moms with young children who desperately need a mentor? What if we planted a garden in our own backyard to “carry the beautiful with us” as Emerson so wisely advised. And then in our bounty, perhaps we could bless others with our fruits whether that be a lovely floral arrangement or an extra zucchini squash? Finding meaning in our pain can be a rich and rewarding experience that will both help us to flourish and honor our Creator. It both acknowledges our pain and yet blesses others with our effort to rise above our temporary circumstances and focus on the eternal.
Ambiguous grief may sound like a formidable opponent but what if it’s really just the start of something beautiful? Our heavenly Father says, “[I will] give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…” (Isaiah 61: 3) He doesn’t say it will be easy, but He does promise He will never leave our side.
Slowly as we recover, focusing on the eternal, while simultaneously living in the moment, we will rise above. You might say we will “Rise up on wings as Eagles as the prophet Isaiah encourages. We may even be surprised to find ourselves climbing up a mountain when we least expect it. Ups and downs, ins and outs…life is an adventure. I want to learn to embrace all the moments, keep my eyes on my Savior and remember that eternity will be a pain free, perfect place where everyday will be a glorious day and He will wipe away all our tears. For the moment, we find healthy outlets, we embrace faithful friendships and look to our father to bring Divine help and healing in many little gifts to be discovered in the trials.
Decidedly Different 