So I did a thing. A big thing, actually. I disappeared from this site for a long while in order to pursue healing. And while part of me wishes I had blogged through that journey step by step for the benefit of others, sometimes we just have to do what it takes to keep our head above the water. And so here I am. Not entirely on the other side, but swimming nonetheless and headed toward the shore opposite from which I began.
And part of what I’ve learned is that progress is not linear, much to my chagrin. It is a zigzaggy, twirly-swirly, big whirlwind of a mess. Sometimes there is a big step forward followed by three steps back. In simple terms, it’s not a sprint but rather a marathon and there are times when you swear you cannot possibly run another step and yet you keep going. Walking at times, crawling through muck and mire but you keep going. Pausing now and then to catch your breath or rehydrate and then starting afresh with new resolve.
So what have I learned in this healing journey? What do I know now that I didn’t know then? Well I’ve discovered some new things and revisited other truths that I’ve known are valid and yet somehow they got eclipsed by the daily grind of life. I’ve learned that not only can I do hard things but I can do them imperfectly and not be dissatisfied. It’s not all or nothing. The name of the game is Progress rather than Perfection. And there is freedom in that.
I’ve learned that I can reframe my wistful memories into gratitude and be better for it. As I have two adult children and one left at home, it can be difficult to watch God write their stories, especially when they are forging new paths than the one you had hoped they would take. But thinking back on their childhoods, even with my imperfect parenting, I must choose to dwell on the happy delightful periods as much as the challenging ones and know my heart has always been in the right place. We do the best we can and trust God to cover for our deficiencies and short-comings.
And I’ve learned that you have to be willing to do the hard work of getting better. No one can do it for you. They can cheer you on, be a sounding board, offer some sage advice but you have to want to get better. I read a story about a struggling North Korean refugee who had to come to terms with how hard it was for her to make decisions after they had been made for her (by an oppressive government regime) her whole life. Sometimes she actually longed to go back because it was all she had ever known and it was comfortable. Similarly, I had to make valiant, deliberate attempts to be an overcomer rather than allow myself to default to the victim mentality that seems all too pervasive in today’s society.
So today, after a prolonged absence, I decided to pick up the metaphorical pen and start again from a place of refreshed perspective. I hope my shared discoveries in the coming weeks encourage you, provoke you to thoughtful discourse and perhaps most importantly, push you closer to the only source of true healing…Yeshua Hamashiach.
It’s not a sprint, dear friends. Pace yourself for a lengthy journey full of breathtaking views and wonderment.
Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. I Corinthians 9:24